Re: [Fsuk-manchester] Mission statement - request for comments

[Tim Dobson]

MJ Ray wrote:
> Lucy <address@hidden> wrote:
> > Manchester Free Software was formed in response to a growing apparent
> > need for a group based in the Manchester area that focuses on free
> > software and GNU/Linux primarily, but also on topics such as Digital
> > Restrictions Management and other issues which impact on the freedoms
> > of computer users.
>
> The "but also..." phrase seems a little stilted to me but I can't
> quite identify the reason.  I also dislike passive expressions and
> long sentences.  I suggest rewording to:-
>
> Manchester Free Software serves a growing apparent need for a group
> based in the Manchester area that focuses primarily on free software
> and GNU/Linux.  It also covers topics which impact on the freedoms of
> computer users, such as Digital Restrictions Management.

I would prefer switching "but also..." to "and also..."

---
Manchester Free Software was formed in response to a growing apparent
need for a group based in the Manchester area that focuses on free
software and GNU/Linux primarily, and also on topics such as Digital
Restrictions Management and other issues which impact on the freedoms
of computer users.
---

This take the emphasis off the second section of the sentence and 
highlights the bit about Free Software & GNU/Linux.

--
www.tdobson.net
----
If each of us have one object, and we exchange them, then each of us
still has one object.
If each of us have one idea, and we exchange them, then each of us now
has two ideas.   -  George Bernard Shaw