Re: [Fsuk-manchester] Mission statement - request for comments

[Lucy]

Thanks for the feedback.

On 17/06/2008, MJ Ray <address@hidden> wrote:
> Lucy <address@hidden> wrote:
>  > Manchester Free Software was formed in response to a growing apparent
>  > need for a group based in the Manchester area that focuses on free
>  > software and GNU/Linux primarily, but also on topics such as Digital
>  > Restrictions Management and other issues which impact on the freedoms
>  > of computer users.
>
>
> The "but also..." phrase seems a little stilted to me but I can't
>  quite identify the reason.  I also dislike passive expressions and
>  long sentences.  I suggest rewording to:-
>
>  Manchester Free Software serves a growing apparent need for a group
>  based in the Manchester area that focuses primarily on free software
>  and GNU/Linux.  It also covers topics which impact on the freedoms of
>  computer users, such as Digital Restrictions Management.
>

Not bad, but how about:

Manchester Free Software serves a growing need for a group
based in the Manchester area that focuses on free software
and in particular GNU/Linux. It also covers topics which impact on the
freedoms of
computer users, such as Digital Restrictions Management.

>
>  > The purpose of this group is to:
[snip]
>
> Fine.  Should each point end with ; and have "and" after the penultimate?

I'm not sure, I think that might be deprecated. I may consult 'eats,
shoots and leaves' later.